


Peel It Back

by joufancyhuh



Series: The Heavens Will Fall [8]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angsty Shepard, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, ambiguous ending, merweek 2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-11 09:31:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11145669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joufancyhuh/pseuds/joufancyhuh
Summary: Shepard and Kaidan find themselves fighting more often lately, but there's a reason, one Shepard will do anything not to admit.





	Peel It Back

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from ["Heresy" by NIN.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uvz-fYbFN_o)  
> Day 4 of MERweek: In The Heat of Battle.

An orange bread tie laid out on the left-side kitchen counter, a shit stain for the world to see. Blake lifted it between two fingers, gritting her teeth as she glared at the monstrosity. Kaidan entered the room, humming as he did so, before crumpling up the paper towel he had his sandwich on and tossing it in the trash. He froze when he spotted the menace in her eyes that was directed towards him. He sighed heavily. “What did I do wrong this time?”

She threw the tie at him. It bounced off his chest before falling onto the floor. “I don’t know which is worse: the fact that you didn’t wrap the bread correctly AGAIN or the fact that you left this on my side of the counter!”

“We’ve been over this: why should I use that thing when I can just spin the bag around? And since when do we have chosen counters?” He scooped the orange tie off the floor and threw it away.

She growled. “Well, now we can’t use it at all! Hope you’re happy, asshole!” She threw the glass of orange juice she had been pouring when she spotted the tie into the sink before storming up the stairs.

She heard Kaidan call up, “What’s WITH you lately?”

The key to that answer lay in an unopened box buried deep inside her pants drawer, some place she knew he’d never look. She slammed the door shut to reiterate her point to him downstairs. She hoped she failed this test, a desperate cry out to the universe in a last ditch effort to avoid the inevitable. She didn’t need this piece of plastic to tell her what she already knew to be true, but she was going to try and put her faith in it anyway, pray that it gave her a different, better answer.

She brought the box with her to the bathroom and sat down on the lid of the toilet, reading over the instructions like she hadn’t already tried this four times. Fifth time's the charm, or at least that’s what she kept telling herself. After five, she could either accept the truth, or do what she had been doing and go out to buy a different brand of pregnancy test. Maybe it was actually six times that she needed, just to be sure.

But faced with the little blue plus symbols five times in a row, she had to face the inevitable. She was pregnant. She kicked the cabinets under the sink, screaming out, “SHIT. FUCK. FUCKING HELL.” Her curses echoed through the room, bouncing around on the tiled bathroom walls. She slammed the stick at the mirror before collapsing to the ground, tears already springing to her eyes. “Fuck,” she mumbled.

She could hear Kaidan padding up the stairs, the door to their bedroom opening. A light knock sounded on the bathroom door. “Everything okay in there, Temp?”

“Fuck off,” She made sure the door was locked before leaning her forehead on her knees. This was not good, not good at all. She had to get rid of it, preferably before her bleeding heart husband found out and tried to stop her. And he would, because he told her several times that he wanted kids, while her response in each instance was, “I don’t.” Somehow, they had both fucked up their birth control at the same time. Careless, both of them careless. And now her worst fear was coming true.

Kaidan huffed on the other side of the door. “Whatever. Just don’t forget that the limo is coming at 6 tonight.”

Shit, she had forgotten about the anniversary gala. She looked to the back of the door where her only black cocktail dress hung from a hanger next to Kaidan’s tuxedo. She hadn’t even written her speech yet, the anxiety of the past two months making her forget everything else around her. Why couldn’t she have settled down with a nice girl? Then it wouldn’t have mattered if both of them had missed their birth control re-ups.

She buried the trash from the kit deep into the trashcan. She would take the bag out later that night when Kaidan was sleeping, just like she had with the others. The time on her omni-tool read 16:04; she needed to start getting ready. She could write her speech in the shower, something generic and unexciting. It’s not like they hadn’t heard her speeches before. If anyone asked her about the shift in perspective between this year and last, she could claim that she was running out of things to say.

There was a knock while she was immersed under the water. “I need my tux,” Kaidan’s voice was muffled by the door. She got out, dripping all over the floor as she dashed to let him in. His eyes rolled over her as it opened. “Thanks.” She could tell he was watching her get back in the shower because the door didn’t close again until after she was on the other side of the frosted glass.

She got dressed in silence, Kaidan and her avoiding each other by making sure they stayed in different rooms. She kept the bathroom while he took the bedroom. The smell of his cologne made her nauseous, a cloud of it clinging to him. It was best that he stayed in there. She ran the fan in the bathroom, trying to ignore the scent of it drifting through the cracks in the door.

The dress fit a little more snug than she remembered. It strained across her stomach, the spandex making the slight bump there obvious to the world. People would know when they saw her, and they would make some ignorant ass comment about it in front of Kaidan. After ten people asking her about her pregnancy, Kaidan was going to get wise to what was going on.

By the time the limo driver rang their doorbell, she was a wreck. Her speech still wasn’t finished, she was convinced that everyone would know, and she didn’t feel physically well. The heels hurt her ankles, which were already sore before she put the shoes on. Her dress was uncomfortable and way too short. Her makeup had smeared three times before she even left the bathroom; who knew how many times it would smear outside of it? Her hair was frizzing near the top. And Kaidan was in a mood, barely looking her way when she stumbled on her walk down the stairs. Nothing about this night was going right for her.

The limo drive was quiet, with both of them preferring to stare out the window than at each other. She worked on her speech as the car progressed, typing it into her omnitool to pull up later. There was no way she was going to have it memorized by the time she had to present. She eyed the bottle of champagne that was left in the ice bucket for them hungrily, tongue flicking out to run along her lips. She would kill for a sip of it, knowing that her job never skimped on the good stuff. If she wasn’t going to keep it, surely she could drink to her heart’s content right? She started to reach for a glass but the guilt that boiled up from her stomach stopped her hand midair. She pulled it back into her lap, hoping Kaidan didn’t notice that.

If he did, he didn’t give any indication of it. They pulled up in front of the red carpet, cameras already flashing outside their door. He held out a hand to her, drawing in a deep breath. “Ready?”

Her usual response was, “As I’m going to be,” but tonight she just muttered under her breath and took it. “Let’s just get this over with.” She plastered a fake smile across her face as the door opened and the two of the climbed out.

“Commander Shepard, over here!”

“Commander, can I have a moment?”

“Hey Commander!”

“You would think with as much dirt as these assholes dig up on me, they’d at least get my rank right,” she growled.

He squeezed her hand. “Careful, someone might hear you, Tempest.”

“Good, let them hear me. I don’t give a fuck. It’s fucking disrespectful.” She grinned as another camera flashed in her direction, but it felt more like baring her teeth than a smile.

Kaidan ushered her along a little faster, through the hotel doors and into the ballroom. Friendly faces greeted them, and his arm slipped away as he walked over to where Joker and Vega sat at the bar, grinning and waving. She rolled her eyes, starting to turn toward the buffet when arms glomped her from behind. “Shepard!” Grunt roared before spinning her around.

She hugged him tight, truly happy to see him. Why did she need a human baby when she had her kid right here? She didn’t need anyone else. She clapped him on the shoulder as she pulled away. “How’s Palaven? Garrus treating you okay?”

He stuck out his bottom lip. “I miss Earth. There’s no sharks there.” His eyes narrowed as he straightened his back up. “I’d ask you how you are, but I can smell it from here. You and Alenko, starting up your own litter! About damn time!”

Frantic, Blake grabbed his arm and pulled him into a corner. “You can tell?” Her fear was coming true, and she only just walked in.

Grunt’s smile fell. “Is that a bad thing?”

“Just… don’t tell anyone, alright? Not even Kaidan.”

“He doesn’t know?”

“No.”

Grunt turned his head to the side, curiosity glinting in his eyes. “Wouldn’t he want to know?”

She let out a hefty sigh. Kaidan came up from behind Grunt, two drinks in his hand. He handed one to her. “I thought you might be thirsty.” He looked between the krogan and her, seeing the tension in their faces. “Everything alright over here?”

“Grunt was just leaving,” she said, pushing him along.

Grunt snickered, grabbing the drink out of her hand and downing it in one large gulp. “Nice to see you again.”

“Don’t let Garrus work you too hard!” she called after him before turning to Kaidan.

He was frowning, big surprise. “What was that about?”

“Nothing important.”

“It looked like an argument.”

“It’s nothing.”

Kaidan held his hand out with the other drink. “You can have this one since he took the one I brought you.”

She picked it up, bringing it to her lips. She wanted to, so bad. As she parted her lips to take a sip, the cold dark liquid trickling into her mouth, she gagged, spitting it back into the glass. She looked to Kaidan in horror. “What the fuck did you bring me?”

“Jack and coke. Your favorite.”

She handed it back to him. “It’s disgusting. Take it back. Let them know something’s wrong with it.” That’s what she got for trying to drink.

Kaidan looked at her, confused. He tried to put the back of his hand against her forehead, but she ducked out of his reach. “It tastes like it always does. Are you sick? Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” She spotted Liara over his shoulder and brushed past him as he gripped his ruined drink in his hand.

Liara pulled her into a hug as soon as she got over there. “Shepard! You’re positively glowing tonight!”

Blake forced a smile as she chatted with Liara but she could feel it waning. Just as she was about to leave, Kaidan came over and kissed her cheek, snaking an arm around her waist. He held up the martini glass in his hand. “Drink?”

She shook her head. “No thanks,” she said as she untangled herself from him and headed toward the balcony. The night air hit her in an icy blast. She turned to look at the closet where a jacket might be stored, but it seemed so far away and she was already outside. She was alone, thankfully, and could drop her defenses. The small town below the hotel glittered in the night. She leaned over the railing, head in her hands. What was she going to do? Grunt already knew, and that was one more person than she wanted to know.

The door opened and shut behind her. A tuxedo jacket was placed on her shoulders before arms wrapped around her waist and a head laid against her back. “Want to tell me what’s going on?” Kaidan’s arms squeezed a little tighter.

“No,” she mumbled, keeping her gaze in the distance.

“Can I make a guess?”

“No.”

“I’m going to anyway.” She heard him draw in a deep breath behind her, her heart thudding in her ears. He knew. She didn’t know how, but he knew. “Are you-I mean, is it…?” He cleared his throat. “Pregnant? Are you pregnant?”

The cogs in her brain ceased activity. Her spine went rigid, her mouth unable to move. She didn’t know how to respond. She didn’t want to lie to him, but she also didn’t want to have this conversation here. There was a war going on in her mind, and neither party was winning.

He picked up his head and kissed her back. “Blake?”

“Wh… Who? Who told you?”

He chuckled. “It was a lot of little things. You’ve been moody lately, and you’re doing that thing where you curl into yourself again. I’ve been trying to figure out why, and then Vega said your boobs were getting bigger.”

She scoffed, a small smile coming to her lips that she couldn’t resist. “He would say that.”

“It really hit home when you refused the drink. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you do that before.”

So she was to blame. The sigh that passed between her lips seemed to carry the burden of her secret with it. Her body felt lighter, not having to deal with this alone anymore. “Would you hate me if I told you I don’t want to keep it?”

There was a knock on the balcony door. Kaidan stood up, his arms falling off of her. “Admiral, five minutes until your speech.”

“Not right now,” Kaidan snapped. The door shut again, and Kaidan was pulling her into his chest, pushing strands of hair out of her face. “Nothing you do is going to make me hate you, but I deserve to know why this time.” He tilted her chin up so that their eyes could lock. “It’s your body, so it’s technically your choice, but I want to know _why_.”

She started to tremble, tearing her head away to bury it in the crook of his neck. Tears she hadn’t cried since she found out the first time came pouring out in buckets, staining his white collared shirt with her black eye makeup. Kaidan’s arms folded her into them. He stroked her hair as she fought to regain control of herself, try to get some of her composure back. “I’m scared,” she whispered, keeping her voice so low that she wasn’t sure if he heard. “I don’t know that I could be a good parent.”

He laughed, causing her to tap him in the ribcage. “That’s why? Seriously?”

“It’s not funny!”

“It kind of is!” He hauled her back by her shoulders, eyes searching her face. She knew she probably looked like a hot mess right then, smeared makeup and red, puffy eyes. But he leaned in and pressed his lips to her forehead. “Everyone fears that, Temp. It’s normal.”

She shrugged him off, arms wrapping around herself defensively. “No, it’s not! No child should have to go through what I went through!”

He tried again to take her back into his arms, but she wouldn’t have it. “Blake,” he pleaded. “That’s not going to happen.”

“You don’t know that!” She waved her arms around wildly as she yelled. “We could both die! There’s nothing we can do to prevent that. Don’t you think I had parents who loved me once? But where the fuck were they? Rotting in the fucking ground while I did whatever it took to survive! I’m not going to put that on someone else!”

Kaidan sighed, running a hand through his heavily gelled hair. His amber eyes stared into her face before he shrugged. “Okay.”

“Okay?” She hadn’t expected him to give up like that. They were equal in their stubbornness, and he didn’t usually concede unless there was sex involved. That was most likely how they got into the situation that they were in. “You’re giving up, just like that?”

“You don’t want kids, I get it. I’m not going to force you to do something you don’t want to do.” He took her hands in his and brought them up to his lips. “But I will say this, and then we can go back inside.” One of his hands let go to run along her cheek. “If we did have kids, they would be the most loved children in the Milky Way. They wouldn’t just have us, they’d have Garrus and Joker and Tali. My mom would gladly take them in, as would Samara and Chakwas. Vega would do what he can, and Liara and Cortez with him. Jacob’s already a dad so he knows what to do. Wrex and Grunt will want to help, but I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.” This gets a small laugh from her, which eggs him on.

“I don’t know about Jack either, though she’s come a long way, from what you’ve told me. Miranda is a maybe, as is Kasumi. EDI, once she’s up and running. Zaeed... might surprise us. Hackett for sure, and maybe even Aria. They would never be alone, not even for a second, if something happens to us.” He winked, hard to see through the fresh wave of tears streaming down her cheeks. “And if we have to have more than one kid to make sure that they’re never alone, then I’m willing to put forth the extra effort.” He kissed the top of her nose before letting their hands fall. “Your face is a mess,” he smirked.

“Shut up,” she grinned as she shoved at his shoulder. “And who’s fault is that?”

“Yours.” He dabbed under her eyes with his jacket sleeve, wiping away the mascara and eyeliner trails. He leaned in as he does, trying to look her in the eyes. “Are you okay now?”

“I will be.” She blew her nose into the other jacket sleeve. Her eyes cast down to her stomach. “I still don’t know what to do, Bug.”

“And that’s okay. You don’t need to decide anything right now.” He tented the jacket over her head. “Let’s go back inside. I’ll sneak you to the bathroom so you can clean up for your speech.” As he opened the door to the balcony and steered her to the other side of the room, her hand in his, she pondered that maybe, just maybe, she’d entertain the idea after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to [potionsmaster](http://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/works) for her tremendous help with this fic. 
> 
> This fic was originally written in my journal during my first playthrough of the game. It was written from Kaidan's perspective, and was more angsty, in my opinion. The argument wasn't as realistic and it just kinda seemed to push through. Though it was a lot of fun being written from his perspective, the prompt said battle and I was thinking of how Shepard had to battle it out with herself on whether or not to tell him, so I switched it. The original was never published cause I couldn't seem to come to a good ending (because the fight sucked), so here we are, a year later and this finally getting out there. AND I get to put it under my canon Shep and not in the folder of unmentionables.


End file.
